This is a serious TMI and really personal, so skip it or read it, either way’s fine. I’m mostly posting this because it feels sort of right to get out there, I guess.

I feel like this story needs a preamble, concerning the relationship I have with my mother. She likes me a lot and has openly told me and my siblings that I’m her favorite child. It’s a sentiment she thinks I share. Conversely, I frankly can’t stand her. It’s not a matter of ‘ugh my mom’s so annoying ugh’. There’s a lot that goes into this, but I could post on that forever. I could never tell her this though because, in a way, I’m sort of this glue that’s holding my family together — just in the sense that if my mom knew how I felt about her, things would fall apart. It’s not exactly a responsibility I’m super-enthused about.

Anyway, yeah. That’s the basics of that. Knowing a bit about that relationship, here’s the nitty-gritty. A few years back, probably when I was about 14 or 15, my sister, mom, brother, and I were sitting at our kitchen counter while my sister was visiting. Out of the blue, my mom sort of just revealed that, over the years, she’d looked at all of our genitalia while we were sleeping at some point. She said it was to check on how we were developing and that it was something normal that almost all parents did. Then she went on to share details to all of us about each of our genitalia.

Obviously, at the time, I didn’t like it. But it was just this sort of vibe like, ‘what are you crazy’ rather than a real…protest or something, I don’t know. I never really wanted to tell any adults about it, either. I told a few friends and they agreed. Like, that was super-jank. But I just felt weird toward adults, parents, people that might be parents. I just kept thinking, “What if my mom wasn’t lying? What if other parents do agree with her?” That didn’t make it any more right in my head. Even if every parent in the world did it, I still couldn’t see that sort of thing as even a little okay. I just didn’t want to tell someone and have them think I’m ridiculous.

Anyway. It’s only been recently that the incident has gone from being an annoying memory to making me feel sort of…violated? I don’t know what to call it. It just upsets me a lot more than it did a while ago. This is coming really suddenly along with a lot more anxiety and increased…aggression(?) of quasi-obsessive compulsive symptoms and rituals that I’ve already had for a long time. Our school has a free counseling thing that I’m considering going to, but the idea makes me anxious. Plus, they mostly cater to things like depression and college anxiety and stuff like that. You know, which is great. It’s just not exactly what I’m dealing with, so I don’t even know if they’d have anything to say to me.

I don’t know, putting this out there in a space where people are less likely to think this is nonsense helps a lot, even if no one reads it.

1. livelovetrollのコメント: If you think it would help even a little, a counselor wouldn’t be a bad idea. I would go to someone outside the school though. I can’t say I went through anything like that, but I can kind of relate in ways I wish I were more open about.
2. haffurupafuの投稿です